Friday 22 December 2023

Overthinking Feminism?

Hey.

I hope you're well and staying safe and sane in the current climate in the UK and the rest of the world. Just when you feel like things couldn't get any worse, our government is being frankly horrific towards Trans people, using us as a wedge in an effort to overturn the ECHR and the Equality Act, which will be awful for everyone. The corrupt people who run the country make me so, so angry.

Anyway... That's not the point of today's musing. I didn't realise it's been over a year since my last post! I think that's probably what this blog is going to be now, just an occasional outlet when I have something I need to let out of my poor, long suffering brain. And today this is something I've been mulling over for a while, my relationship with feminism.

I feel like, given who and what I am, what my values are, and what my beliefs are about how women are treated by society and how they should be treated, that I'm a feminist. How could anyone not be? We should all be equal and free from discrimination, men and women and everyone in between, and this is what feminism stands for to me.

When I see the discourse around this online however, I feel like I'm very uneducated about it. I don't keep up with the latest news, read the books, follow the podcasts, and so on. I'm not academic about the subject and I'm not really an activist in any aspect of my life apart from the occasional rant online, but I feel like to be a feminist, I'm expected to be both of these things.

I see women online on various sites and apps identifying themselves as a feminist. But I feel awkward identifying myself the same way.  Because am I really one? What if I'm quizzed about my feminist credentials? Have I read this book or did I attend that march? Will I pass the test? Or will I be exposed as being some kind of unknowing faker? 

I think there's also an element of how I compartmentalise my gender influencing this as well. I'm not very outspoken, there's been too many years of shutting down my thoughts and feelings as a keeping being Trans a secret defence mechanism and also because men have to be seen to be emotionless drones, so I'm automatically very guarded with what I do share, apart from on here.

When I do have to be 'him', in my experience being a feminist is not something that men would go around saying about themselves even if it was something they believed in. Can't let that male image get bruised being associated with a word that contains "fem" eh? What would the lads say? And from what I've seen, declaring it as a male sets up different expectations because of their position in the patriarchal order.

I think about what my partner would think if it came up in conversation while I'm 'him' that I'm a feminist, what her reaction would be. Would she, or any woman I know as 'him' for that matter, take me seriously? Would she laugh? Or would she think: "no you're not, you don't help with the (insert example chore here)!".

Do I have some internalised toxic masculinity or some self perceived societal expectation hanging over me? Or is it simply fear of failing to live up to some kind of perfectionist standard stopping me from 'coming out' as a feminist in both aspects of this life I have to live?

I'm totally overthinking all this I'm sure. But feminism is so important and I feel like as someone who has a foot in both worlds that I want to get it right.

Anyway enough about me, there's bigger issues to be worrying about in the world right now. Please take care.

With love, Chloe x

Friday 28 October 2022

A Month of Freedom

Hey, I hope you're all doing OK lovelies. x

So for about the last month my partner had to go away. Can you guess what I got up to while she was gone? ;)

The last three weekends have been absolute bliss. I've been able to be me every weekend, as soon as I mustered the energy to prepare. I practiced make up and thanks to some tips I picked up from some free online makeup lessons I attended from The Pretty Fix, which I highly recommend by the way, I think I've nailed the technique for covering beard shadow (as well as possible anyway) and also smokey eyes too.

I was so happy with the way my makeup was looking. I've never felt this good about it. The 5 o'clock shadow is still an issue but I don't think there's much I can do about that, and I still need to practice getting eyeliner and lip liner straight, but I was so happy with everything else. I have sooo many photos! :)

I've definitely found some confidence now I know I can look at least a little bit presentable. I think I've fallen into the makeup trap...

I also bought some clip on earrings too. It sounds silly because of the amount of time I've been doing this, but I've never worn earrings before. I wanted to get my ears pierced earlier this year, but my partner shot this idea down. She wants this clear definition between male me and female me, which I understand. I suppose I'm quite binary in that respect too, I don't want to appear in the middle, I'm either all girl or all boy (at least in appearance).

When I looked at clip ons years ago, they all looked like they were too vintage for me (not my thing) or for kids. But these last few weeks, I was able to find some I'd be happy to wear (thank you Etsy!). They can be a little uncomfortable when in the wrong position, but when they sit right I was able to wear them for hours with no problems apart from one pair which still pinched a little, but was bearable.

I do wish I could wear normal earrings though, or that there was a larger selection of clip ons that look like they are for daytime wearing.

It feels a little selfish but in a way, I don't want my partner to come home. I love her to bits and I have missed her, but I do feel I have to hide a part of me away when shes around and it was so refreshing just not having to do that, and for so long too. I'm going to miss this so much.

Right, I need a day trip or night out somewhere. Any suggestions?

Anyway I hope you are safe and well. Take care.

Chloe x