So I seem to be living up to the title of my blog at the moment. Ive been off work for 4 weeks now (2 weeks to go) and I am bored out of my skull, the only problem is I have no motivation to do anything. I cant even be bothered to do my hobby (which I enjoy immensely), get dressed up, or even something so easy as firing my console up and playing some games of which I have many.
I feel like my life is not going where I want it to go, but at the same time im not sure what direction im meant to be going in. I cant decide if it is my relationship, my dressing (which I want, maybe even need, to do more convincingly), my work (which I hate), a combination of the above or even something else. Its getting me down again and I feel a lot more depressed over the past few days than what I have been over the last week or so, but even when feeling a bit more up generally I have my moments.
I was on a trip to London with my gf for the weekend and I was definitely happier when I was there but even then my short temper was showing through from time to time. I just seem to be easily agitated.
Thursday 17 May 2012
Thursday 10 May 2012
Stress
Well ive been having a tough time lately on an emotional level. Im currently off work with work related stress, and while that is certainly a massive part of the stress ive been feeling I cant help but admit that my crossdressing is also a part of it and my outlook on my life too. I cant admit this to anyone not even my girlfriend who doesnt know about this.
My self esteem is shot, I literally sit here cursing myself out loud all of the time, often in the earshot of others (accidentally) but I cant help it, its turned into a reflex or something. The smallest little mistake I make I cant help but replay again and again in my head for days cursing myself about it.
I hate who I am, not just the dressing side of things. Ive had a shit life up to this point, a life time of bullying, social awkwardness, embarrassment and recent realisation that im not and never will be a normal person. I wish I was sometimes. I wish I liked football, liked drinking, I wish I was confident enough with myself to not give a fuck what others think but im not.
I hate socialising, meeting people, and more to the point I hate what I am doing to my gf. I feel so bad that I limit what she does with her life. She doesnt mind, she sees it as a sacrifice you have to pay when in a relationship and I get that, I also make sacrifices. But I cant help but feel bad. She wants pets, im not a pet person, shes coming to the point where she will want a kid, I have no plans to have a child. I am an independent, some could argue selfish individual and I want to live responsibility free. I hate that I have to hide a stash of clothes and CD paraphernalia from her and live a lie to her. I was going to tell her at one point but my social life is bad enough without having that stigma attached as well. Im tempted to end our relationship just to make the whole thing easier on both of us.
Im at a loss what to do.
My self esteem is shot, I literally sit here cursing myself out loud all of the time, often in the earshot of others (accidentally) but I cant help it, its turned into a reflex or something. The smallest little mistake I make I cant help but replay again and again in my head for days cursing myself about it.
I hate who I am, not just the dressing side of things. Ive had a shit life up to this point, a life time of bullying, social awkwardness, embarrassment and recent realisation that im not and never will be a normal person. I wish I was sometimes. I wish I liked football, liked drinking, I wish I was confident enough with myself to not give a fuck what others think but im not.
I hate socialising, meeting people, and more to the point I hate what I am doing to my gf. I feel so bad that I limit what she does with her life. She doesnt mind, she sees it as a sacrifice you have to pay when in a relationship and I get that, I also make sacrifices. But I cant help but feel bad. She wants pets, im not a pet person, shes coming to the point where she will want a kid, I have no plans to have a child. I am an independent, some could argue selfish individual and I want to live responsibility free. I hate that I have to hide a stash of clothes and CD paraphernalia from her and live a lie to her. I was going to tell her at one point but my social life is bad enough without having that stigma attached as well. Im tempted to end our relationship just to make the whole thing easier on both of us.
Im at a loss what to do.
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