Monday 10 July 2017

I'm Not Myself

I've been calling myself Genderfluid for just over a year now, at the time it seemed to describe the ever changing nature of how I felt about myself and my gender. However, i've recently come to the realisation that while how I feel about my gender changes on a regular basis, I don't think Genderfluid is the right way to describe it.

I've come to realise it's not necessarily that I feel more male some days and more female others, it's more like it's how much I don't like my current gender that changes from day to day. It's how bad I feel about myself that is 'fluid', and I don't really think that is what Genderfluid is meant to mean.

My internal monologue is always tuned to trans. As soon i'm not having to do anything or concentrate on anything, i'm thinking about the life I could be living if I was female. And even if I am busy doing something, it tries to muscle its way in and distract me as much as possible. As well as this I also can't get away from triggers that make me feel negatively about my gender, mainly women who are looking, behaving, doing things, living their lives in a way that I could picture myself if I was a woman. And these women are everywhere, there is no escape.

I don't see myself as a woman, don't feel like a woman, yet I aspire to be one. Being a male is also depressing, but this is how I see myself. 

Where does this leave me?

I thought I had reached a point where I was getting to be happy with being somewhere in the middle, but the way i've been feeling these last few months, that's clearly not the case.

Sigh.

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Sunday 7 May 2017

Struggling

Im struggling at the moment. I feel like I need to vent, but this is the only place I feel like I can do it openly.

The GD is just kicking me really hard at the moment, really fucking hard, and it has been for weeks now if not longer. I hate it so much. It just feels like everything triggers it now, and I cant get away from it. I dont have an outlet for it that works, I dont know what I can do to calm it down. And the brave face ive been putting on cracks sometimes and I say things out loud that I dont mean to when im reacting to it.

When I get those moments where my mind is taken off it, its like it doesnt even exist. But I seem to be on a hair trigger with it now, and those clear moments dont last long before something triggers it and im back feeling miserable about it.

I want rid of this feeling. Im fed up of carrying on like this.